Marriage...Divorce...Commitment

2012 August 15

Yesterday on my Facebook feed was a post from a traveling friend, in which she asked for support, because her husband of 17 years had announced to her that he wanted a divorce. She was devastated. In this particular situation, there have been struggles, but my friend never saw the "divorce card" coming until it was played. It got me thinking about marriage, divorce, and communication.

Every marriage has periods of struggle, poor communication, and stress. But I am continually surprised by instances where one or the other partner is suddenly blindsided by the other's desire for divorce. It seems duplicitous to me to approach a lawyer and/or others (like older children) before ever mentioning to your partner that you feel irrevocably unable to continue on in the marriage. I mean, I understand that people change and that goals and desires flex and morph. But here's what bothers me: Do you TALK as the changes are happening? And do you disregard the solemn vows? 

It seems to me, if there is minimal communication taking place, nobody should ever be blindsided by their partner's desire to dissolve the marriage. If there are areas of dissatisfaction, the only way to facilitate resolution is to communicate, talk, yell if  necessary, and work together. When a partner suffers in silence they are being dishonest, both with themselves and with their spouse. Too often, the suffering in silence is an excuse to find fault with a partner and then come at them completely unaware with a divorce request. Part of the problem is dishonesty, another part is that we, as a society, accept divorce as normal.

That's where my question regarding the solemnity of the taken vow comes into play. Our wedding vows said, "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death due us part ."  We didn't say, "till we get sick of each other, until depression, infertility, or alcoholism makes life hard, until something better comes along, or until one of us just wants something different"! 

It seems to me that we have become a society of people who lack the ability to commit. It worries me as to what impression we leave on our children when we give up without a fight, or lack the fortitude to address issues forthrightly. And it makes me wonder about the kind of people we are deep down in the recesses of our souls. How do we live with our spouse day to day, while managing appointments with lawyers, before ever mentioning our dissatisfaction in the marriage to our spouse?

So that I don't seem like I'm taking the moral high ground here, let me confess that I was one of those immature people, lurking in shadows of dissatisfaction, who suddenly asked for a separation. It was in a previous marriage. I'm not proud of my immaturity. But, that experience lead to a more grounded attitude when approaching our current relationship and marriage. My husband and I discussed the meaning and fulfillment of our wedding vows before making that final commitment. We have been together for 32 years, married for 27 of those and we have had highs and lows. But, I think one of the things that makes us able to survive even stormy seas, is the fact that we have told each other throughout the marriage that we are both in it for the long haul. We talk through the tough times and the easy times, as well. We realize that we are individually responsible for our own happiness, as well as for each other. We try to practice easy give and take. We try to be responsive to each other's needs. But neither of us expects the other person to be able to read our mind! Everyone says that communication is essential, and it is! What no one tells you is that sometimes that necessary communication is hard, sometimes it's embarrassing, sometimes it's hard to hear, sometimes it hurts, but it is always necessary. 

Some people mature early. I've met couples who married when they were teenagers, and have remained committed to each other through six decades.  My guess is that they talked to each other a lot and about everything.

Perhaps I've strayed from what originally motivated me to write today, but it has reminded me that R and I should have some time together to talk. And so should you and your spouse. About the trivial and the important.

Finally It Can Be Revealed

This morning we had an appointment to get the motorhome PA safety inspected at Jeff Critchlow Auto Care on Babcock Blvd. We are now at home, with the RV tucked safely into its spot in the yard, with brand new PA State inspection stickers proudly displayed on our windshield. It means that when we have the money, our adventure can begin, legally.

Before I share a back story that I have been silent about, allow me to give a thank you to the mechanic who did the inspection, Darren. Great guy! He helped us with some glitches that we have had and shared with us from his accumulated knowledge as an RVer himself for many years.

The "back story" is one that brings me shame and embarrassment.

After our last venture out in the RV, as I was attempting to back through the 9' 3" opening in our fence with our 8' 6" motorhome, I had an accident. Since I must pull the side view mirrors in, in order to clear the opening, I must fully rely on Raymond to get me in without hitting anything. As we were attempting this particular feat, I answered incorrectly when Raymond asked if I needed him in front of me, in the grocery store parking lot, OR behind me, in our yard. Because I was stressed, hot and frustrated, I said that I didn't care where he was as long as he realized he was now my eyes, because I was backing up blind. He opted to stay in the parking lot, in front of the vehicle, probably because he was stressed, tired, hot and annoyed with my tone. Oops!

As I moved the beast backward, slowly, I heard a loud "C R U N C H". I immediately hit the brake, as my stomach fell below my knees and my anxiety level rose to new heights. To Raymond, I yelled, "What the hell did I hit?!" I sat in the cab of the vehicle, feeling sick, angry and incredibly stupid! Raymond reported that I had hit the tree, which according to him, "knocked out a taillight & bent the ladder". Now I am really a mess! So, I got out and went to survey the damage. Apparently, the nub that remained from a tree limb previously removed, had caught the top of the RV ladder, bending it and thereby causing the ladder to break one of the lights at the top of the vehicle, as well as cause a split to the corner of the vehicle's fiberglass. I felt seriously ill.

I also felt angry, mostly at Raymond. Realizing that this was completely irrational anger, I managed to tamp it down enough that I didn't become a screaming banshee. My rational mind, which, doesn't always get a lot of playtime, kept reminding me that I was the one who had failed to insist that Raymond guide from the yard, where this may have been avoided. Desperately wanting to cry, but unable to(that's a story for another time), we managed to get the RV into the yard without further damage, either to it or to our marriage.

So, when I called to make the inspection appointment, I failed to mention this occurrence. Seems I should have. This is where Darren comes in. As the inspection mechanic of a "new" vehicle, he couldn't allow the broken light atop the rear end, nor did he feel the broken piece of ladder at the top was stable enough to, say, NOT come loose and hit someone as we cruise down the highway. He took a few minutes and went to get a new light cover and he removed the broken section of the ladder. He then asked Raymond to come into the service bay, so that they could talk. He shared many RV pointers with my dear husband and asked if Raymond wanted him to remove the vestiges of yellow paint that remained from my BP gas fill up excursion, no charge. [I blogged about that already. Another humbling, embarrassing moment.] We also both spoke with him about the split caused by the ladder meeting the tree. He explained to us how to fix that ourselves. Darren, you are a good man.

So, now, the RV is inspected. It is safely ensconced in its place inside our fenced yard. Our relationship survived a bump. I learned to hold my tongue. We both learned that guiding the RV requires enormous patience. And, I learned that even when there is a huge screw up, it's NOT the end of the world!

Next step, heading out for several days at a local campground to get our feet wet, so to speak. All we need is for Raymond to have several days off work in a row. You would think that should be easy for a retired guy. Well, if my retired guy didn't also have a "retirement job" at Macy's, it probably would be!

Thoughts on...

THE LOVE DARE

Since last week, I have been semi-following a challenge issued by the morning DJ s on KLOVE.  It involves a 40 day study called "The Love Dare".  Each day there is a reading and a dare which is meant to help make improvements in important relationships in your life.  For the purpose of the book, it is supposed to help with your relationship with your spouse.  The application could be made to other relationships, as well.  As I have been attempting to follow the principles put forth each day, I have been frustrated.  The strain comes from how difficult some of the challenges are for me, while my husband seems to have a lock on things.  And he's not even doing the "Love Dare"!  

Maybe a little background is necessary.  I didn't even suggest that R, my dear husband, participate.  The "Love Dare" grew out of the movie "Fireproof" and has gained momentum via Christian outlets.  R has never even heard of the movie, or the book.  I decided that I am not the best wife I can be to him, so I sought to improve the way I relate to him by participation in this 40 day challenge. 

Day one asked that you say nothing negative to your spouse.  That's harder than you think!  Day one was a little tough for me.  I had to be vigilant and keep my normal negativity reigned in.  R, who, again knows nothing of this challenge, is the kind of person who says nothing if he can't say something positive,  so for him there's no big deal.  Day two held onto the previous day's dare and added the performance of at least one unexpected act of kindness.  Before I was even aware of that days challenge, R had gotten up, gone out into the bitter cold and cleared the car for me, since I had to work and it was his day off.  Day three asked that you call your spouse with no agenda other than to say you're thinking of them.  R called me at work, something he rarely does. 

Keep in mind that my husband knows nothing of this "Love Dare". So why is he better at each dare then I am?  We know the answer.  He's already kind, thoughtful, compassionate, positive and loving.  I am a work in progress.  He's not the one who NEEDS the "Love Dare".  I need it to become the kind of wife R deserves.