2010 January 24
An immense feeling of sadness has slowly been encompassing me for the last several hours, to the point that I feel the need to cry. Where this comes from is a mystery to me. Well, maybe not a total mystery. I finished reading A Big Little Life tonight. It was another joy-filled book that made me laugh out loud at times, just as Cowboy And Wills did. And, although Cowboy & Wills made me cry throughout the reading, there were no tears with Trixie until the end chapters of her Big Little Life. Still the lingering effect of C&W was amazement and a glimpse into possibilities. And though the message of A Big Little Life was to live in innocence and in each moment, the feeling that stays with me at the moment is regret.
I regret that I have not been a better mom to Greyla. Granted, she is nowhere near as intelligent or intuitive as either of the dogs in these memoirs, I wonder how different she might have been had I been more present for her.
She came into our lives a mere two weeks after Jake, our 13 year old Lab passed away. Jake was my heart dog. He & I were connected deeply and my grief was overwhelming. My heart was never really open to Greyla, for many years, because my loss of Jake was an unhealed wound. I am only beginning to see how I allowed my pain to isolate me from this dog. My excuse was always that Greyla was meant to be Raymond's dog, since he requested that our next dog be a female, black lab and since she arrived for his 50th birthday.
Greyla is nearly 11 now. Is it too late for me to be a 'good mom'? I hope not.