Wednesday, July 17, 2013

The Weight

2013 July 16

Weight ...

Lately, things have been weighing on me. 

What kinds of things? Well, the air conditioning in our barely four month old car gave up cooling. That was a BIG one, especially in the midst of the current heat wave. Especially when the service department told me the part was on "national back order". There was my trip to Erie to get the tow plate installed on the little car. That was an OK experience, but it lead to me start wondering about towing and my abilities. My Dad has been a constant concern, but not because of his cancer diagnosis. No, that's something we can't do anything about. Rather, I have spent months asking him to travel with us for the time period when we leave the Pittsburgh area in late July and when we will return to the area in late September. He has been resistant, but always using "Dad speak", never refusing outright. Finally, I had an epiphany, and approached him as he was resting one afternoon. I told him that I was going to stop asking, because I didn't think he wanted to come along. The look of relief that washed across his face and lit up his eyes as he said that, no, he really didn't want to come with us, broke my heart in little pieces. All this time, I have been asking, begging, plying with ideas and reasons why it would be a good thing and in that moment I realized that it would've only been good for me, not him! All this time, I thought I was being a good daughter, when in fact, I was being a pain in the ass. It hurts my heart to think that all this time, I have been annoying him when all I wanted was to be helpful, to him and to my brother. Yeah, my brother. Another area that has been weighing on me. My brother retired after 30 years at the USPS on January 31, 2013. On February 15, Daddy's decline began. My number three baby brother has been Daddy's primary caregiver since then. He has had no time to relax, to travel, to enjoy the fruits of his thirty year labor. I feel guilty. So, if Daddy would come along with us, it would allow my brother some relaxation time, without this added responsibility. Then there's the financial aspect of having been relatively stationary since February 22. Campgrounds in the area have been expensive by our standards. that put a dent in our budget. Then Greyla needed expensive diagnostics and surgery in April, has had blood work since that isn't cheap, and needs daily medication for her arthritic hind quarters. So much for trying to get debt free. In point of fact, we have too often relied on credit cards during out time on the road. And all of this is without even mentioning any personal health issues. Yep, things are weighing on me.

This morning the service guy from the car dealer called to say that the compressor for our car should arrive tomorrow, and would I like to make an appointment for repairs on Thursday. Felt like turning the corner, even though it was such a little thing - someone following through on what they needed to do.

I think that the general circumstances of our extended visit have fueled my natural tendency to be emotional. Add to that, the fact that my PCP and Gynecologist have encouraged me to follow a treatment plan which includes the ingestion of hormones over a three month period, from July through September. Is it any wonder that I am an emotional mess, with feelings of intense emotionality and feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders?

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